Optimism
by Exploded Pen
Summary: I'm going to die, aren't I? One thinks he's being realistic, the other thinks he's being pessimistic, both are too stubborn to accept it.


**000 Disclaimer, I own absolutely nothing 000 I had the beginning to this written about a year ago, found it while dusting my WIP folder :S Anyway, finally finished it, umm probably has some T/R undertones running through it but that can be ignored! 000**

"I'm going to die, aren't I?"

His words sliced through me like a knife. Hearing that tumble from his lips made it all too real.

"You aren't gonna die, Phlox is gonna fix you up just fine," I told him, more to reassure myself than him.

Blue eyes stared at me sceptically. God, he would have to make this hard by accepting it. I wanted him to fight, not give in.

"Ever heard of optimism?" I snapped, irrationally frustrated.

"Ever heard of realism?"

I resisted the urge the slam my fist into the wall, the area was unstable enough already. He sighed softly. I knew he was in pain and that there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

"Where the hell is Phlox!" I cursed fluently for several minutes. Malcolm laughed haltingly. His breathing had worsened. It was chilling listening to him try and draw breath. I tugged at the beam pinning him to the ground.

"You've already tried that," said Malcolm tiredly. "It won't work." His breathing hitched slightly and he coughed for a moment.

"Have a little faith would ya!" I examined the placement of the beam again, easy enough to move, but too heavy for me to move by myself.

Malcolm sighed and closed his eyes. "It's ok, Trip. Really, it's ok."

My head jerked up so fast I nearly knocked myself out on one of the fallen beams above me. "No Malcolm! It's not ok! You're talkin' like you're already dead! You're still talkin', breathin' and even arguin'!"

I heard movement behind me. It was Phlox. The cavalry had arrived. "See, Phlox is here now." I turned away from Malcolm a second, trying to see where the medical team were coming through. "Over here!"

"Trip," Malcolm started again. "This beam is all that's stopping me from bleeding out. Once that's gone…"

"For once in your life Malcolm, have a little optimism!" I snarled. Seeing the stubborn Brit about to argue again I added: "That's an order!" Malcolm fell silent.

As the medical team crowded into the tiny space I was shoved back. I didn't know what to think, literally half an hour prior to this we had been on our way to get some food. Seconds later several somethings exploded, when I came to Malcolm was pinned beneath the beam and my head hurt like hell.

Shaking myself back to the present I craned my neck to see what was going on. "Phlox, what's happening?"

Phlox turned back to me for a moment. "I advise you get out the way. If he survives this we'll need to get him back to sickbay ASAP."

I didn't want to ask, but before I could stop myself I heard myself ask "What are his chances?"

Phlox didn't answer and suddenly everything became very final. One of the medical techs turned to me and gently pushed me back.

"Tell me the truth, is he gonna make it?"

The medical tech just trotted out the same tired answer that they always give, "we'll do our best."

I cracked my most feeble smile. "Ever heard of optimism?"

"3…2…1, lift!"

There was a sharp cry and then I heard nothing else except Phlox spouting medical babble. Minutes later they all shot past me, Malcolm was still alive.

I was taken to sickbay along with Malcolm and I sat on the edge of a biobed swinging my legs impatiently as one of Phlox's helpers cleaned the wound on my head. I couldn't work out where I wanted to be more, here, waiting anxiously for news, or, in engineering trying to work out what had happened in the first place. I didn't seem to be the only one. The Cap'n had appeared and had started pacing the gap between the door and the biobeds.

I fidgeted nervously.

"Commander, it would be best if you tried to get some rest," said one of the medics timidly. "We won't know the outcome of Lieutenant Reed's surgery for some time yet."

The comm. Beeped and the Cap'n was called away. I knew my place was in Engineering but I couldn't leave. It wasn't the right thing to do, it wasn't what a chief engineer should do…it was the only thing to do.

I leaned back and waited. I realised it could be me in surgery, after all I had been stood where the beam had fallen only moments before.

Instead it was Malcolm. It was Malcolm in surgery. It was Malcolm, quietly accepting his death. My fist clenched when I thought of his pessimistic ramblings.

"He should've fought harder!" I exploded suddenly.

The timid medic looked up in surprise. "Commander?"

I blushed. "Sorry…"

She wandered slowly towards me, chewing her bottom lip in thought. Finally she spoke. "If you mean the Lieutenant, sir, I wouldn't count him out just yet."

I stared down at my hands. "I'm not."

She studied me closely and her eyes flickered towards the medical readouts. "He was probably trying to make it easier on you."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Make what easier?"

"He probably knew that he most likely wouldn't survive being freed from the beam."

I looked at her in barely controlled anger. "What are you talking about!"

She hesitated. "The beam was acting as a sort of tourniquet, the second it was lifted there was a very strong chance he would've died on the spot from internal bleeding."

I knew this but the calm quiet way she told me made me go cold all over. She chewed her bottom lip again.

"I guess he was trying to prepare you, to make it easier for you knowing that he accepted it and wasn't angry with you. But I think he's too stubborn to die."

She turned heel and fled to another part of sickbay, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Several hours later I was still waiting.

Finally Phlox appeared with an uncomfortable amount of red on his clothes.

"Doc?" I asked hopefully, studiously ignoring his appearance. "How is he?"

Phlox remained silent a moment. "He lost a lot of blood; we nearly lost him three times on the operating table. If he survives the night there's a chance he will be alright."

"You're saying he's gonna die," I whispered.

Phlox gave me a tired smile. "I never said that, while the odds of survival are slim, there is still a chance."

I nodded and returned the smile, albeit somewhat tentatively. I was grateful Phlox hadn't sugar-coated Malcolm's condition.

They brought Malcolm backed, hooked up to what seemed like thousands of machines to keep him alive, he seemed almost the same colour as his bandages.

Phlox looked from me to Malcolm and then back to me. "If you're going to stay you'd better get some rest at some point."

I nodded gratefully.

I sat with that stubborn bastard through the night, sat watching him try and die before being whisked back for more surgery. I paced the floor for the whole time he was in surgery, the pain in my feet a nice distraction from the throbbing in my head.

I sat by his side when he came back, fell asleep watching him and then woke up as the Captain came charging back through the doors. I glanced at the clock, 0700 hours, it was morning.

It was morning and Malcolm was still here. I grinned, I could hear Phlox telling Jon that Malcolm wasn't totally in the clear yet but his prognosis was looking up but the words floated over me. It was morning, Malcolm was still alive.

I grinned broadly. "Atta boy, Mal," I whispered to him. "You just keep right on fighting, prove yourself wrong."

After that, I visited every chance I could get; I sat through a relapse and an infection before finally watching him wake up.

"Believe in optimism now?" I asked him grinning widely.

He blinked in response and smiled.

It's not like it is in films when people come out of a coma and immediately start talking. No, Malcolm refused to play by movie rules and instead smiled and fell asleep.

Nearly two weeks of worrying and he woke up and fell asleep. I wouldn't have been able to believe it if I hadn't fallen asleep myself seconds later.

When I woke up again, judging from the pain in my neck hours later, he was staring at me.

"How're you feeling?"

He rolled his eyes. "I'm fine," he croaked haltingly.

I grinned. There had never been such a beautiful word. Fine. Fine meant he was in serious pain and feeling like hell but prepared to deny it till his last.

Fine, it's a beautiful word.

"You look crap," he said tiredly.

I raised an eyebrow. "Says the man who was on deaths door."

"You didn't have to stay."

I frowned. "Yes I did. Malcolm I watched you try and die on me, I had to make sure you were gonna pull through, and if that meant making a permanent ass groove in Phlox's biobed then so be it."

He smiled and fell silent. I was suddenly angry. I wanted to yell at him, I wanted to chew his ass out for daring to even accept the possibility of death. I wanted to shout that the next time he tried to pull a stunt like that I would personally drag his ass back from death just to demote it back to crewman.

But I couldn't. Later I would rip chunks out of him for it, and I'm sure Jon would too. Friendly, easy to handle bite sized chunks of optimism lessons. Now, right now, I couldn't do it.

He closed his eyes, and I sat back, waiting for him to wake up again.

**000 Please review! 000**


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